The Benefits of Feeling Words in Couples Therapy Work
In popular culture, couples therapy is depicted as focusing on feelings. You see this when therapists are stereotyped as saying something along the lines of, “So, how does that make you feel?” Sure, this is a stereotype, but there is a good reason for this. Many people enter therapy without a well-developed feeling words vocabulary.
Learning to identify how we feel is often one of the first steps partners can take to make themselves understandable to one another. Many of us grew up in families where expressing our feelings was not welcomed or for some, we were punished for sharing our feelings. No wonder many of us in today’s society are not very skillful at this. It can feel vulnerable or scary. Unless it is one of the feelings that are considered acceptable by our family or society.
Without getting stuck in gendered stereotypes, it is still common that many girls grew up understanding that it was permissible to express sadness, and many boys could express anger. This is a very broad generalization and you may come from a different situation. This is merely an example so you can bounce off of and begin to understand reasons there may be barriers for you to express different feelings. If you were to pause right now, what reasons or barriers come to mind for you personally?
What are the benefits of increasing our feelings words vocabulary?
We take responsibility for what we think and feel and do
We create opportunities for connection
Enables us to become more response-able and less reactive
We develop mindsight
Helps us identify what is important to us (examples; sad - do things together / upset that you changed your mind)
We take responsibility for what we think and feel and do.
Identifying our feelings and sharing at an appropriate time enables us to be more intentional with our actions. In the best relationships, people take 100% responsibility for what they say and do and how they express what they are feeling. Increasing our feelings word vocabulary makes it easier for us to develop this skill. Once we identify a feeling we can share it simply and plainly. This is technically another skill, but often we weave them together; ID + sharing.
We create opportunities for connection
When we share a bit below the surface and express what we are feeling, we create an opportunity for connection to occur contrasted to disconnection. When we fail to identify our feelings we disconnect from ourselves and in an attempt to feel safe we inadvertently create a less safe environment for our relationships. We create good relationships when we are able to notice what we are feeling and share in a kind way. Granted, there are many layers of skills we can develop over time, but one of the first steps is to identify what we are feeling so we can connect with the people around us.
Becoming more response-able
It won't happen right away, but with effort and time, you'll grow in your ability to identify what you are feeling. Dr. Dan Siegel coined the term, "Name it to tame it,” and this phrase gives us an idea of what is possible. When we name our feelings we can tame them so they don’t direct our behavior without our awareness. We can change something when we become aware of it. Awareness of our feelings increases our response-ability. As we are more responsive to our feelings we have the opportunity to be responsive and thoughtful of our partner’s feelings.
Develop Mindsight
Continuing with an idea from Dr. Dan Siegel, the idea of mindsight is that there is a mind behind our partner’s behavior. For example, we could discover, “Oh, the reason she was upset and sad was because she felt alone in taking care of the kids after we both work.” Or, “Maybe its possible the reason he is agitated is that he is hurt that I haven’t responded to his bid for connection for physical intimacy.” As we learn to identify our feelings we can make educated guesses as to what our partner might be feeling.
Helps us identify what is important to us
Becoming more skillful in identifying our feelings enables us to notice patterns and we can eventually become crystal clear on what is important to us. At the core we all want to be seen by the people we are the closest to. For example, if I notice that I feel frustrated that my wife springs a change in our plans. I can begin to realize it is important to me to be included in decisions in minor or major plan changes. Being included in the process is important to me, but I learned this through my feeling frustrated (see note about the function of anger below). Another example is when someone might feel alone when the partner comes home and is focused on the phone and doesn’t give full attention with a hug or kiss.
In this blog, we explored the benefits of increasing our feeling words vocabulary. This is the first step in learning how to identify and then share wisely with your partner. I realize that you might naturally be asking yourself, “Ok, but if I don’t have the vocabulary, how do I begin?” There are many decent and even good feelings word lists online. I will give you the first categorization of feeling words I learned when I was 16 years old in family therapy.
SASHET
Sad
Angry
Scared
Happy
Excited
Tender
This is one simple tool to use. Don’t get stuck here, just see this as a place to start. I find it helpful to remind people that in each category of feeling there are levels of intensity or gradations. For example, you might be angry, or furious or slightly irritated. The same goes for all the categories. Start with this tool and I will post enhanced feeling charts in future entries.
Start Today by noticing what you feel - [Practice]
This is like any skill and you can grow in it. Today, pause and notice what you are feeling. You could choose 3 moments today and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” You could pause at 9:00 am, 1:30 pm, and 7:30 pm or any 3 times today. Getting started will produce the most fruit.
May the way you notice what you feel enhance your relational connections and self-awareness.
There will be a future blog on learning to identify our values by understanding how anger functions when our values are crossed.